There was a director of Daily News before.
He gave a recruitment speech at University without making a sound, without using strong emotions, and without using flashy words.
But his personal energy is very powerful, there is a great inspiration, listen to the blood surging, and then decided to vote for the resume, so after graduation, I went to the Daily News.
After college graduation, I listened to too many classes, I found that: someone lecturing, his energy coverage, as if the lecture table is so big, you can easily listen to sleep; while someone is lecturing, the energy is like covering the whole room, you will listen very energetic, just like this president.
This is the difference between the size of a person’s ego space.
The space, where the ego extends, is the “ego space,” which can also be called the ego boundary, that is, the boundary to which the ego energy can extend.
In fact, each person has his or her own unique ego extension space.
For example, a girl with serious psychological problems has difficulty interacting with people, and one of her perceptions is that she feels that her soul is shrunken in a matchbox.
A male visitor, when he first met his wife, was very shocked, and his feeling was: How can there be such a person?
This male interviewee also had a classic avoidant personality.
He severely avoids interpersonal interactions, and such a person is bound to be easily withdrawn from the home.
And even at home, he can only stay in a small place, such as the study, and even if he stays in the study, his ego does not extend to the whole study, but only to a corner, such as a part of the desk, such as a chair.
One of the most classic examples is a woman who is also severely avoidant and can hardly interact with anyone. One of her problems was that she couldn’t clean up her room.
You might think, “Isn’t this a joke? This is a reluctance, right?
But there are deep psychological reasons for many things that seem irrational. On this point, she and I have done a lot of research and finally reached an understanding of that.
Even in her own bedroom, she still felt that it was not “my” bedroom and that she did not have dominion over it, but in fact, it was her family’s house.
It can be said that the only “self-space” this woman has is her head. Even her bed and bedroom, as well as the various furnishings in her bedroom, her ego does not extend.
The reason why she can’t clean up her bedroom is that she feels that she has no control over them.
Like anyone would only sit on the bench when he went to his best friend’s house, never on the couch, and would only accept a glass of water from his friend at most.
It’s so restrictive.
These examples are a bit extreme, but they may immediately help you understand what self-space is all about.
01. Self-extension space
In fact, everyone has their own unique self-extension space.
For example, a girl with severe psychological problems has difficulty interacting with people, and one of her perceptions is that she feels her soul is shrunken inside a matchbox.
A male visitor, when he first met his wife, was very shocked, and his feeling was: How can there be such a person?
This male interviewee also had a classic avoidant personality.
He severely avoids interpersonal interactions, and such a person is bound to be easily withdrawn from the home.
And even at home, he can only stay in a small place, such as the study, and even if he stays in the study, his ego does not extend to the whole study, but only to a corner, such as a part of the desk, such as a chair.
One of the most classic examples is a woman who is also severely avoidant and can hardly interact with anyone. One of her problems was that she couldn’t clean up her room.
You might think, “Isn’t this a joke? This is a reluctance, right?
But there are deep psychological reasons for many things that seem irrational. On this point, she and I have done a lot of research and finally reached an understanding of that.
Even in her own bedroom, she still felt that it was not “my” bedroom and that she did not have dominion over it, but in fact, it was her family’s house.
It can be said that the only “self-space” this woman has is her head. Even her bed and bedroom, as well as the various furnishings in her bedroom, her ego does not extend.
The reason why she can’t clean up her bedroom is that she feels that she has no control over them.
02. Comfortable
On the contrary, my friend, for example, thinks that the whole earth is small and that even the most difficult place to go, Antarctica, can be reached in 50 hours or so.
I know a number of people like this now, who are relaxed and comfortable wherever they go and with whomever, they interact, and whose energy, so to speak, can naturally extend to almost anywhere.
Let’s take another common example: Many people wonder why their partners or parents are so reluctant to travel.
Because their ego energy does not extend out, and when they go to unfamiliar places, they will be uncomfortable and have all kinds of unconscious anxiety, travel becomes torture.
Therefore, when raising a child, there must be a basic awareness that the child’s ego must be encouraged to stretch so that the child’s energy can be extended naturally.
There is a basic medium for this extension — needs.
When the basic needs of a child or even an adult are met, it means that the child’s ego is extended.
At different stages of life, there are different needs.
The younger the child, the easier it is to satisfy the needs.
For example, an infant’s needs are only food, drink, sleep, and play, and an attentive parent can basically satisfy these needs.
On the contrary, an adult’s needs become the need to start a family and establish a career, which is the most difficult to meet.
There is a basic contradiction.
Infants and toddlers are the weakest, so they need the help of their caregivers.
But this is the best time for energy to be extended. The infant must rely on the help of the nurturer, and then a relationship connection can be established, and the child’s energy is extended.
Also, parents are living beings, and when they build a vibrant and largely fulfilling relationship with their child, the child is greatly blessed — his ego is allowed to extend.
Conversely, a proud adult who is not dependent on others and who does not even open his mouth to make the most basic requests has a difficult relationship to build.
03. Ego
Because there are different needs at different stages of life, there is a subtle connection between the “space for self-expansion” and the “strong accusation” I mentioned earlier.
The logic of strong blame is very irrational when applied to adults or older children, but it is understandable when applied to infants, especially babies.
When not met, the nurturer is too bad and deserves to be blamed. — This is true for infants who have no basic abilities.
Also, to have the baby’s needs met requires the nurturer to put aside his or her own ego and receive the message from the baby.
So the logic that “your (the nurturer’s) original state A is wrong, you have to go to state B, otherwise, you are “bad” is basically valid in the baby’s case.
It can be said that the strong accusation in the case of the baby is to “deny the original will of the nurturer” and put his own will into the nurturer.
This is because the weakest and most helpless of them have to extend their ego energy to the nurturer in this way, in order to live better.
For those of you who are basically normal, perhaps you should thank your initial nurturer, such as your mother, for being able to extend your basic self in part because you have been given this treatment.
It is understandable why some people only have a matchbox or a glass ball of space for their ego, probably because this initial extension of life’s energy has not been realized.
For those who are basically normal, there are too many people who feel that a large part of their ego-energy extension is locked up, how can this be solved or improved?
04. Solution
The solution is always very simple.
The solution for older children and adults alike is to fulfill your basic needs in a relationship.
Don’t go it alone, it usually doesn’t mean much.
Solitary satisfaction, such as when you get an inflatable doll to satisfy your sexual needs, is a waste of life energy. Precious life energy becomes nothing more than a turn-on.
Conversely, if you are in a relationship to meet your sexual needs, you will find that it is not easy and it will be challenging.
But as the challenges continue to be solved and improved, you will find that with sexual satisfaction, you build deep relationships and your understanding of humanity becomes very different.
You can say that life energy is no longer a simple sexual excitement, but a drive to experience the depth of humanity, such as love, such as hate.
However, don’t make this too absolute, sometimes even if you just extend your ego energy to ordinary things, that is also huge progress, all these need to take one step at a time.
A girl, who is always very nervous, and always feels that others are watching her, even if no one is around, she is difficult to relax. But once, when she was DIY at home, she felt so much enjoyment and relaxation.
She later realized that this was because her home was now completely hers.
This is the house she bought, the design, furniture, and all kinds of furnishings are according to her wishes, her self-will, extended to the whole space, this is a house she can completely say what she wants, so she relaxed.
People have all kinds of needs, and trying to meet those needs and not forgetting that “being in a relationship”, at least a significant part of it, has to be in a relationship, and that naturally means an extension of the energy of the self.
This is deep healing, or rather, self-growth.
05. Accusation
If one is caught in a “strong accusation,” how does one heal oneself?
First of all, one must see the logical chain of “I” accusing “you”.
First, your original state A is not right.
You should be in state B.
I think it is very easy for you to enter state B.
Fourth, but you just do not enter state B, you deliberately stay in state A, so you are deliberately against me.
Five, so you are hostile to me, so I have to accuse you!
We must first understand consciously that the use of strong accusations of me or you will certainly seriously magnify the other person’s hostility, and even completely wrong the other person.
At the same time, when you cannot accuse the other person severely, you will inevitably accuse yourself severely.
This first reaction can not be changed quickly.
Therefore, do not fight with your first reaction, since it is easy to accuse the other person, or in turn, easy to accuse yourself, then accept this first reaction.
After accepting the first reaction, then use your mind to remind yourself that this is not the case.
— Some people are extremely reluctant to do this because they are afraid that if they do, the energy will no longer be extended.
But it’s important to see the reality, and you have to remind yourself of that.
Then, communicate, use various ways to communicate, to resolve misunderstandings.
At the same time, try to achieve basic satisfaction with each other in this relationship.
Basic satisfaction means that you are extending each other’s energy, not only to material things and things but also to your hearts and souls.
In a relationship that is basically okay, healing is given over time, that is, a deep relationship.
The logic is simple, but the experience is fundamental, and the process is not easy, but it is worth it.
