In recent speeches, I have increasingly emphasized “ personal responsibility ” —
The emotional feeling pattern you hold will allow you to create events and characters that fit your emotional pattern in your own living environment and life situations so that you can feel them.
Therefore, when we don’t like what we feel (inferiority, sadness, grievance, contempt, self-blame, etc.), we will push away the people and things that make us feel these things, or want to correct them or blame them, Anyway, they are just looking for trouble outside.
Because it is difficult and uncomfortable to change your long-standing and ingrained emotional habits (but once you change, it is liberating once and for all).
To correct people and things outside, not only do we have someone to fight with (compared to competing with ourselves), adding various colors to our lives, but we can also blame others and create various dramas, making our existence more meaningful.
Many people do not live a peaceful life. They must have various dramas in their lives to feel alive.
However, this kind of drama queen is usually not happy either. Because their various relationships must be relatively tense, their work will be affected, and their bodies will develop problems after a certain age.
01. Your happiness has preconditions
In a recent speech, I spoke earnestly for a long time. When I opened the question at the end of the speech, a cute little woman still raised her hand to ask questions and complained about her husband.
She said that before getting married, her husband was quite able to make money, but after getting married, he became less and less able to make money, and the whole family’s livelihood depended on her alone. Then she proudly said that she could earn 2 million a year.
She felt aggrieved that her husband could not make money, and her tone was filled with disgust. I asked her why she couldn’t accept that her husband was this kind of person.
She responded loudly, “But why did he make money before we got married?” I joked, “You should be a bastard!”
In fact, this sentence is more or less true.
It’s not that she makes her husband unlucky and unable to make money, but that she is so strong and arrogant that it may make men shrink back in the relationship — anyway, you can make money, and you are so proud, then just make it! No matter how hard I try, it’s useless, so I just give up.
Of course, his husband’s sense of powerlessness also comes from his childhood frustration of being unable to please his mother no matter what. Therefore, “giving up” is her husband’s way of defense against this sense of powerlessness and frustration.
I also jokingly told her that I don’t mind if my man doesn’t make money. As long as he is happy and treats me well, why should he care who makes the money?
She retorted: “That’s because you have money.”
I laughed and said, “ I am rich because I don’t want much. If today I yearn for luxury houses, fancy cars, and jewelry brands, then I will feel that my money is not enough. You are so good at making money, and you still want to For more, the question is who?”
At the beginning of my speech, because it was the keynote speech of the Happiness Research Club, I asked everyone if they really wanted happiness, and everyone said in unison: I really do.
Then this example shows its true form here. If you really want to be happy, why do you “work” on this matter?
Obviously, this little woman is obsessed with “hoping men to make money” on the surface, but she also hopes that she can be better than men. If she is stuck in this thinking mode, she is getting further and further away from happiness.
She feels aggrieved that she supports her family and that her husband does not earn money. She needs a man to earn money to feel happy. Therefore, her request for happiness has a prerequisite — it is stipulated that she must be in a certain situation before she can be happy.
02. Happiness depends on the human heart
Are all of us spinning in this vicious circle? Does happiness require conditions?
We have seen how many people with poor congenital conditions live their lives happily.
The more you go to remote areas, the more you can see many happy smiles coming from the heart. Therefore, happiness really does not depend on external conditions, but on the human heart.
Do we have the courage to strive for happiness for ourselves and not to judge other people and things outside? This courage is hard to possess.
Because in the process of personal growth, taking responsibility for your own happiness without shirking responsibility on others is really the most difficult step.
But I have said it again and again, if you correct people and things outside and don’t work on yourself, you will stay in this vicious circle for the rest of your life.
Like this little woman, if one day her husband makes money, she will feel very frustrated and find other things to do, because deep in her heart, there is a little girl who has been wronged since she was a child.
Her father possibly favored boys over girls and didn’t treat her well. The little girl who was “wronged by a man” has been waiting for an opportunity to take revenge. After getting married, she replicated the relationship with her father between husband and wife.
On the other hand, she grew up under her father’s partial treatment and became competitive, wanting to be better than men to prove herself. If we can’t see this tangled pattern within ourselves, we will always be spinning around on the outside, unable to do so. happiness.
A little woman like this may need to see her father’s own limitations. He doesn’t know how to love others and can only treat his children in his own way.
He thinks girls are useless, so he treats you badly. That is his problem, and it has nothing to do with whether you are good or worthy of being loved.
If you can make peace with your past trauma deep within yourself, then you don’t need to replicate the same pattern in adulthood.
At the same time, if she really wants to be happy instead of proving that she is right, then she can see how other people live happily in the same situation.
03. What blocks your joy
I think this is a very basic skill. If you promise that your own happiness is the first priority, and now you are in a certain situation (like her example: the husband can’t make money, just rely on If I) cannot be happy. I can look at other people and see why they are happy in the same situation.
From this, we can see that the reason for our inability to be happy lies within ourselves, not because of external circumstances.
But how many people have such humility and wisdom?
The way I pursue happiness is to see what is blocking my joy in my life at this moment.
If it is comparison and jealousy, then I will adjust myself and let go of the competitive and comparing heart. If I can’t ask for it, then I will adjust my desires and goals and let nature take its course.
I am a person with strong desires. My previous personality was that I had to get whatever I wanted.
However, after many years of observation and training, I discovered that the things I wanted very much in the past sometimes turned out to be things I didn’t want, or I couldn’t get what I wanted. It turned out that there was a better thing behind. Give it to me.
After many experiments and experiences, I finally accepted the gains and losses in life more and more calmly, because I knew that if I cared too much about gains and losses, I would lose the calmness and joy in my heart.
Truly go with the flow and adapt to the situation to fight for what you want. In the end, no matter what you get or lose, your inner peace will be there.
Another important lesson I learned is: that whatever you dislike about others is your own problem, without exception.
Adhering to a self-responsible attitude, I constantly correct my inner thoughts, and now fewer and fewer people are dissatisfied with me.
Even if there is, I know that the solution lies within myself. That clarity and certainty will not make me anxious to control the external world, and naturally, my inner peace will become more and more stable.
I hope more friends will join the ranks of self-responsibility and find their inner eternal happiness and peace as soon as possible.
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