Keeping Secrets: The First Book on the Psychology of Secrets!
Not all secrets are harmful, and some can make you live a better life?
secret
Researchers in the past believed that withholding information during a conversation was keeping secrets, and they designed clever experiments based on this idea.
But when we look at the real secrets (like the ones you are currently guarding) and ask how they affect you day in and day out, a different picture begins to emerge.
More than just cunning or deception, keeping secrets is a working of the heart, how we feel about ourselves and our relationships, how we respond to life’s challenges, and what makes us who we are.
All people have secrets, but not all secrets are alike.
Keeping secrets is an intention, not an act
Being asked “What’s your secret?” may be the most embarrassing experience imaginable, but how common is it?
I have never directly asked my friends, even close friends, if they had ever cheated on their partner, had an abortion, or been abused as a child.
Whether in real life or in psychology experiments, avoiding questions about secrets is less common than we fear.
In fact, these situations represent only a small part of the secret-keeping experience.
So, what is the secret?
Secrets are not physical things, you cannot put them under a microscope, and there is no place in the brain for secrets.
Hiding information is an action of keeping secrets, but the action itself is not a secret.
The problem with defining secrecy in terms of the act of hiding it is that we don’t often need to hide secrets, and hiding secrets isn’t necessarily difficult.
For example, when asked about his actions earlier in the day, Tony. Sopono could easily come up with a lot of answers without honestly saying, “I’m going to see a therapist.”
Many secrets do not need to be maintained by lies.
Therefore, we must define confidentiality as an intention, not an act on our part: I intend to keep this secret from others.
Average 13 secrets in total
All secrets have intention, but they may not apply to all situations or individuals.
Some secrets are kept entirely to you, and some are shared with at least one other person.
Therefore, you can have many secrets, but very few that can be kept completely secret.
On average, I found that people simultaneously had five secrets they never told anyone (full secrets) and eight secrets they talked to at least one person but kept no one else from knowing (revealed secrets).
This is where the average total of 13 secrets comes from.
When I say that people have an average of 13 secrets on their list, you should know that this is an underestimate because this number actually reflects the number of “categories” of secrets that people have.
Two or more secrets can belong to the same category, especially those involving a wider scope such as finances, sexual activity, breach of trust, or illegal conduct.
“Confidentiality” and “Privacy”
When drawing the line between confidentiality and privacy, confidentiality can be thought of as the intention to retain specific information, while privacy is the extent to which personal information is shared.
For those who are more private, they need to be close enough to accept you; as for those who are less private, they may be happy to disclose personal information-not only to friends and family, but also to colleagues and unfamiliar people, even just now People you know.
You may not want to talk about your sexual experiences in the workplace out of privacy and politeness, but this is very different from keeping certain experiences a secret.
In both cases, you control your own private information, but for different reasons.
Besides sex, money is another example of something you may not want to talk about, but may not deliberately keep secret. Maybe the reason you don’t talk about your salary isn’t for privacy reasons but because you don’t want others to know. You may also be trying to hide something else, such as an unwise financial decision.
These examples show us that privacy and confidentiality can coexist, and that there is a gray area between them.
So, can we really tell them apart?
Of course, the only person who knows what privacy or secrets are best is you.
Research has found that people view unethical private experiences or behaviors as more of a secret than just a private matter.
If people think that others will find information relevant to them, the unspoken information will become more of a secret than a privacy.
Guidelines
If you’re not ready to share a secret, ask yourself why you’re doing this and remind yourself why you’re keeping it secret in the first place.
The important thing is, will anyone know the secret even without you telling me?
Is there anyone in your life that you look forward to sharing with?
The answers to these questions will point you to the best path.
~Michael. Michael Slepian/Columbia University Business School Leadership and
Associate Professor at the Center for Ethical Studies and a pioneer in the study of clandestine psychology.
~《he Secret Life Of Secrets: How Our Inner Worlds Shape Well-Being, Relationships, And Who We Are》
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