“I never wanted to betray my marriage. I don’t know why I ended up like this, and I regret it very much”;
“I have always believed in my marriage. I never thought our marriage would come to this point. I never thought he would betray me” (he was referring to a third-party partner in general, without any gender specificity).
These two paragraphs come from different characters. The former is the party who betrays the marriage, and the latter is the party who suffers the pain of betrayal.
When a marriage encounters a betrayal crisis, and when betrayal brings pain and impact to an originally peaceful life, both parties may fall into corresponding doubts.
It seems that for both parties, betrayal in marriage is not a situation they are willing to face, and it is an obstacle that they did not expect in their original life plans.
So many times, they will become more entangled and confused about “why betrayal happened to them or in their marriage”.
If we understand this problem clearly, we may find a better way to handle and deal with betrayal.
Did you never think that you would be betrayed, or that your marriage would be betrayed?
Let’s try to find the truth of this issue from the perspectives of the betrayer and the betrayed through a briefcase.
Harry has been married to his wife for many years. From their initial love to marriage to raising children together, it can be said that their lives have become better and better along the way.
It’s just that in the process of being busy with life, there seem to be more and more problems between them.
Harry cannot accept the conflict between his wife and his mother. Every time he hears his wife complain, he feels very annoyed and finds it difficult for him to handle the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
On the one hand, he felt that there was something wrong with his mother, but on the other hand, he felt that his wife was too competitive and no one understood what he was thinking.
They also had many differences in child-rearing. He advocated strict discipline, but his wife seemed to him to be too spoiled. Because of these conflicts in life, he gradually disliked going home and gradually began to use perfunctory methods. Spend time with your wife.
Harry’s wife did not get along well with her mother-in-law after getting married. She also tried hard to be a good daughter-in-law, but she seemed to feel that no matter what she did, she could not get the approval of her mother-in-law. She had too many grievances in her heart and she always wanted to talk to her husband. Have a chat.
But as time went by, she felt that her husband was not responsible at all, did not care about her feelings at all, and did not understand her.
He rarely participated in many things in the family. He always had many reasons to be busy. He was only willing to take care of the children. The way he took care of the children made her feel too depressed.
Gradually, she was no longer willing to tell her husband what was in her heart. She felt that sometimes it would be better not to tell him, which would make her feel even more blocked.
In this way, they seem to have some problems, but also no problems. They seldom quarrel, but there are very few scenes of real heart-to-heart communication between the two of them.
Harry believes that most couples are like this, and that he gives the money he earns to his family as a contribution to the family; Harry’s wife believes that although there are some differences between him and his wife, the family appears to be calm on the surface, and there will probably be no problems in their marriage.
Whether by chance or because of some need to be admired, Harry met another member of the opposite sex, someone with whom he could chat and admire him irresistibly.
In this complex mood of guilt and difficulty, he betrayed his marriage. It was not until his wife discovered the matter and the two talked about divorce that he realized that he had never thought that he would reach this point and that he would destroy his stable life. Marriage and Family.
Harry and his wife in the case had never thought that their marriage would one day encounter a crisis, but before the crisis came, they had already sensed their dissatisfaction with their marriage and the distance between themselves and their partner.
But they did not take any action. It seemed that as they said, they had never thought about betrayal, and had never thought that their marriage would encounter betrayal; but it seemed not to be the case. They were not blindly confident in their marriage, they just selectively ignored the problems in their marriage.
In a marriage, both husband and wife have their duties and responsibilities, as well as their own needs.
When two people only regard marriage as a responsibility, and only use responsibility to restrain themselves and each other, but lack emotional connection, their inner dissatisfaction will gradually increase.
These dissatisfactions do not seem worth mentioning in the face of a stable marriage and family life, but it is true that there are problems in their relationship. These problems are inconsistent with what they think “they have never thought about betrayal, and they have never thought about betrayal in their marriage.” ” is contradictory.
The marriage has already given a hint about its status, and their true feelings have also received this hint. As long as they pay a little more attention to managing their relationship, perhaps the marriage will not encounter the crisis of betrayal.
Going back to the question mentioned above, when betrayal occurs and the betrayer says he never thought he would betray the marriage, and the betrayed says he never thought his marriage would be betrayed, they may want to present two pieces of information:
traitor :
1. To restore one’s own image, internally, one does not want to become a person with controversial character;
Second, it was not my original intention to move toward betrayal. I was also very innocent in the face of a marital crisis.
The betrayed :
First, to express the degree of inner pain, using a way that one never thought betrayal would happen, to highlight the blow of betrayal to oneself;
Second, by saying that they have never thought about betrayal in their marriage, they try to show that they trust their marriage and are fearless in their dedication to it, and they emphasize how unfair betrayal is to them.
From the two pieces of information given by the betrayer and the betrayed, we can draw a very consistent conclusion: both parties need to assume their corresponding responsibilities. Whether it is the party who betrays the marriage or the betrayed party, they must break free from the constraints of right and wrong views and achieve their growth: be responsible for their own lives and needs.
When there are problems in a marriage and hints have been given, what are the inner thoughts of those who choose to ignore or neglect the problems?
Let’s also explore the case just now. When Harry’s relationship with his wife became increasingly estranged, they only had superficial calm, and they clearly felt a lack of connection with their partner, what were they thinking internally?
They will feel that problems in the marriage are the other party’s problem, and they will also feel that it is the other party’s responsibility to repair the marital relationship. If the other party does not change and takes the initiative to repair the relationship, they have nothing to do. The marriage and family are still peaceful, and they can accept this. life.
Therefore, no party has made changes to their inner unsatisfied needs to be more proactive in improving the marital relationship; nor has either party had the will and consciousness to grow in the marriage and realize that the relationship needs to be managed and that relationship problems are the responsibility of both parties. Responsibility can help one break out of the mode of blame and dependence through growth, allowing oneself to guide the relationship instead of compromising in the relationship.
When betrayal has already occurred, both the betrayer and the betrayed may need to let go of thoughts such as “emphasizing their pain, proving their innocence, and that they are also the one who has been wronged in the marriage.”
Only by letting go of these thoughts can you get out of the blame mode; only by getting out of the blame mode can you seriously think about how you want to face your marriage? How do you want to live your life?
In the reality that betrayal has occurred, the betrayer needs to know how to bear the corresponding responsibility for his betrayal, realize the hurtfulness of the betrayal, make more amends, and be aware of and reflect on his status in the intimate relationship.
The betrayed party also needs to assume its responsibility, accept the reality that crisis in the marriage also has its own responsibility, let go of resentment realize and reflect on what abilities it can acquire through this pain, and use these abilities to protect its future life.
Marriage is a practice that requires both husband and wife to work together. No matter how unreasonable you think your partner is, if the marriage has given you a hint that you can accept “self-growth” earlier and take responsibility for your own needs and life, then earlier accept.
Marriage relationships can be better managed, benefiting each other, your marriage, and the entire family.
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