You can be told by looking at his room. Whether a person has a strong aura or not,
A former president when he gave a recruitment speech at the University, he remained calm, did not use strong emotions, and did not use gorgeous words.
But the energy field was very strong and had great charisma. It made me excited, and I decided to submit my resume. So after graduation, I went to Guangzhou Daily.
After I went to college and graduated, I listened to too many lectures, and I found that: when someone lectures, his energy covers an area as big as a desk, and you can easily become drowsy while listening; It covers the whole audience, and you will listen very enthusiastically, just like this president.
This is the difference in the size of a person’s self-space.
The space of self-extension, that is, “self-space”, can also be called self-boundary, which is the boundary to which self-energy can extend.
Everyone has their own unique space for self-extension.
For example, a girl has serious psychological problems and it is difficult to interact with others. One of her perceptions is that she feels that her soul is shrunk in a matchbox.
A male visitor was very shocked when he first met his wife. His feeling was: How could there be such a person? Her world was only as big as a glass ball, but she stayed in it as if she was extremely satisfied...
This male visitor also has a classic avoidant personality.
He severely avoids human interaction, and such a person is bound to stay at home easily.
And even at home, he can only stay in a small place, such as the study room, and even if he stays in the study room, his self will not extend to the entire study room, but will only shrink in a corner, such as a part of the desk, such as a chair.
The most classic example is a woman who is also severely avoidant and can hardly interact with anyone. One of her problems is that she can’t tidy her room.
You may be thinking, isn’t this a joke? Is this just unwillingness? !
But many things that seem very irrational have profound psychological reasons. She and I discussed this point a lot, and the final understanding was:
Even in her bedroom, she still feels that this is not “my” bedroom and she has no control over it. This is her family’s house.
It can be said that the only “self-space” this woman has is her mind. Even her bed and bedroom, as well as the various furnishings in her bedroom, could not extend herself.
The reason why she couldn’t pack things in her bedroom was because she felt that she had no control over them.
On the contrary, people like my friend Sunny think that the entire earth is very small. Even Antarctica, the most difficult place to reach, can be reached in more than fifty hours.
I now know many such people. No matter where they go or who they interact with, they are relaxed and at ease. It can be said that their energy can naturally extend to almost any place.
To give another more common example: Many people wonder why their partners or parents are so opposed to traveling.
Because their self-energy cannot be extended, they will feel uncomfortable and have all kinds of incomprehensible anxieties when they go to unfamiliar places, so traveling becomes torture.
Therefore, when raising children, one must have a basic awareness: encourage children to stretch themselves so that their energy can extend naturally.
This kind of extension has a basic medium — demand.
When the basic needs of a child or even an adult are met, it means that his self has been extended.
Different stages of life have different needs.
The younger the child, the easier it is to satisfy the needs.
For example, the needs of infants and young children are nothing more than eating, drinking, sleeping, and playing. Attentive parents can meet the needs of their children.
On the contrary, an adult’s needs include starting a family, establishing a career, etc. These are the most difficult to satisfy.
There is still a basic contradiction at this time:
Infants and young children have the weakest abilities, so they need help from their caregivers.
But this is the best time to extend energy. Infants and young children must rely on their caregivers for help, and then the relationship connection can be established, and at the same time, the child’s energy is extended.
Moreover, parents are living people, and when they establish a vivid, rich, and satisfying relationship with their children, the child will receive great blessings — his self-extension is allowed.
On the contrary, a proud adult may not rely on others and may not even ask for the most basic requests, but it will be difficult to establish a relationship.
Because different stages of life have different needs, there is a subtle connection between “space for self-extension” and the “strong accusation” I talked about before.
The logic of strong accusations will seem very unreasonable when applied to adults or older children, but it can be understood if applied to infants and young children, especially babies.
When not being met, caregivers are terrible and to blame. — — This is a truth for babies who have no basic abilities.
Moreover, for the baby’s needs to be met, the caregiver needs to put aside his or her ego and receive the information from the baby.
So for babies, the logic of “your (parent) original state A is wrong, you have to enter state B, otherwise, you are “bad” is established.
It can be said that the strong accusation on the part of the baby is to “deny the original will of the caregiver” and place one’s own will on the caregiver.
Because they, who are the weakest and most helpless, must use this method to extend their self-energy to their caregivers to live better.
Normal friends should probably thank the first caregivers in life, such as mothers. You can have basic self-extension because you partially received this treatment.
In this way, we can also understand why some people only have a self-space as large as a matchbox or a glass ball. It may be that this initial extension of self-energy in life has not been realized.
For normal friends, some too many people feel that a large part of their self-energy extension is locked up. How to solve this, or how to improve it?
The solution is always simple.
The approach for both older children and adults is to achieve the satisfaction of your basic needs in relationships.
Don’t go into contentment alone, it usually doesn’t mean much.
Solitary gratification, such as finding a blow-up doll to satisfy your sexual needs, is a waste of life energy. Precious life energy just turned into excitement.
On the contrary, if you meet your sexual needs in a relationship, you will find that it is not easy and there will be many challenges.
But as the challenges continue to be solved and improved, you will find that while you are sexually satisfied, you build a deep relationship, and your understanding of human nature becomes very different.
It can be said that life energy is no longer a simple sexual excitement at this time but pushes you to experience deep human nature, such as love and hate.
However, don’t make this too absolute. Sometimes even just extending your self-energy to ordinary things is a huge progress. All of this needs to be done step by step and slowly.
As a girl, she is always nervous and always feels that others are staring at her. Even if there is no one around, it is difficult for her to relax. But once, when she was DIYing at home, she felt that she was enjoying herself very much and was very relaxed.
Later, she understood that this was because her current home was a space that belonged entirely to her.
This is the house she bought. The design, furniture, and various furnishings are all according to her wishes. Her self-will extends to the entire space. This is a house where she has the final say, so she relaxes.
People have various needs, try to meet these needs, and don’t forget to be “in the relationship”. At least a considerable part of it must be in the relationship, which naturally means the extension of self-energy.
This is deep healing or self-growth.
If you are a person who is caught in “strong accusations”, how should you heal yourself?
First of all, we must see this logical chain when “I” accuses “you”:
1. Your original state A is wrong;
2. You should be in state B;
3. I think it is very easy for you to enter state B;
4. But you just don’t enter state B. You deliberately stay in state A, so you are deliberately going against me;
5. So you are hostile to me, and I want to blame you for this!
We must first understand consciously that if I or you use strong accusations, it will inevitably seriously amplify the hostility of the other party, and may even completely wrong the other party.
At the same time, when you can’t blame the other party seriously, you are bound to blame yourself seriously.
This immediate reaction cannot be changed quickly.
So, don’t compete with your immediate reaction. Since it’s easy to blame the other person, or conversely, yourself, accept this immediate reaction.
After accepting the first reaction, then use your mind to remind yourself that this is not the case.
— — This will be a denial of self. Some people will be extremely reluctant to do this. They are worried that if they do this, the energy will no longer be extended.
But it’s important to see reality clearly, and you have to remind yourself of this.
Then, communicate, communicate in various ways, and resolve misunderstandings.
At the same time, try to achieve basic satisfaction for each other in this relationship.
Basic contentment means that you are extending each other’s energy, not only into physical things and things but also into your souls.
In relationships that are okay, leave the healing to time, which means deep relationships.
The reason is very simple, but experience is the foundation. These processes are not easy, but it is worth it.
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