Have you ever felt like you’re overly reliant on your partners or friends? Do your emotional needs go beyond what seems normal? Are you often called needy or clingy? If these questions ring true to you, it’s possible that you’re codependent. But what is codependency?
Codependency is defined as excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner or friend, someone who typically needs a lot of support. Codependency can put a lot of strain on both the relationship and the individuals involved in it. So how can you tell if you are codependent? This video looks at eight signs to watch out for.
1. Constant Reassurance Seeking
I often find myself seeking constant reassurance from my partner, asking them repeatedly if they still love me or if they’re upset with me. For instance, if they don’t text me back promptly, I immediately jump to conclusions and need them to reassure me that everything is okay.
Do you find yourself constantly asking for people’s reassurances, asking them to tell you they love you a lot, or asking if they’re mad at you constantly? This sort of constant reassurance seeking can be a sign of codependency. You may seek reassurance due to low self-worth and feeling like your partner is always just about to leave the relationship, as you often don’t feel you bring anything to the relationship.
2. Feeling Responsible for Problem Solving
There have been numerous occasions where I’ve felt it’s my obligation to solve all of my partner’s issues, even when they haven’t explicitly asked for my help. For example, if my partner expresses stress about work, I immediately feel the need to come up with solutions and fix everything to ensure they’re okay.
Do you find yourself feeling it’s your duty to solve all of your partner’s problems? Not just that you want to help them, but that you need to help them or they might leave? This is another common sign of codependency. It can be particularly damaging as it isn’t possible for us to fix everything for someone all the time. And if your self-worth is tied up in this idea, it can set you up for a big fail.
3. You Can’t Say No
I struggle immensely to say no to my partner, fearing that refusing their requests will lead to conflict or even the end of our relationship. For instance, even when I’m overwhelmed with my own responsibilities, I find it difficult to decline when my partner asks for my help or time.
Do you struggle to say no to your partner regardless of what they want? Do you worry if you refuse to do something, they’ll leave you? This is another classic sign of codependency. People with codependency issues can feel insecure in their relationships and feel like they’re very fragile. Therefore, if you have codependency issues, you may feel that simply saying no to your partner will be enough to ruin the relationship and that they’ll leave you. This can be damaging as it’s not good for us to ignore our own boundaries for others.
4. You Need to Avoid Conflict
Conflict in my relationship terrifies me to the point where I actively avoid asserting my boundaries or addressing issues that bother me. For instance, if my partner does something that upsets me, I often suppress my feelings to prevent any potential conflict, even though it causes me inner turmoil.
Do you find yourself terrified of conflict arising in your relationship? Do you avoid asserting boundaries as you worry about the conflict that might come if you do? As we’ve said, often people who are codependent were either relationships aren’t strong enough to withstand arguing or conflict, and that if there is any, the other person will leave. This fear can often present itself as trying to strictly control relationships so that no conflict does appear.
5. Would You Do Anything to Hold on to the Relationship?
I’ve found myself engaging in behaviors and making sacrifices that I wouldn’t normally consider just to maintain my relationship. For instance, I once stayed silent about my partner’s disrespectful behavior towards me because I was afraid that addressing it might lead to them leaving me.
Do you find yourself doing and saying things you wouldn’t usually do just to hold on to the relationship, even if these things may be destructive or dangerous? This sign is very linked to the previous two, opting arising due to a fear of conflict and the need to hold on to the relationship at all costs. It often means you’ll ignore your own boundaries and do things you absolutely would not usually do, which is dangerous for many reasons.
6. You Only Feel Valued When You’re Needed
I struggle to feel valued in my relationship unless I’m actively solving my partner’s problems. For example, when my partner doesn’t seek my advice or assistance, I often feel worthless and unimportant, which stems from my own insecurities.
Do you struggle to feel valued as a person if you’re not fixing other people’s problems? Do you believe you have very little to add to a relationship if you’re not the problem solver? This is yet another sign of codependency due to low self-esteem. Those with codependency often feel they’re only useful to their partners as problem solvers. They feel if they don’t fix every little problem their partner has, they aren’t doing enough to help and that they have no value. This stems from their poor self-esteem and can also feed into their insecurities about their relationship.
7. Concerned with Others’ Feelings and Needs
I frequently prioritize my partner’s needs and emotions over my own, sometimes to the extent of neglecting my own well-being. For instance, I cancel my plans or ignore my own feelings to cater to my partner’s desires, believing that their happiness is paramount to mine.
Do you find yourself always putting your partner first, regardless of your own needs? Do you spend a long time preoccupied with your partner’s feelings at the expense of your own? If so, it could be another sign of codependency. While concerning yourself with your partner is generally a normal feature of a relationship, with codependency, this concern goes beyond normality. You’ll be obsessed with how the other person is feeling due to the need to be needed, to feel valued, that we just talked about. This often comes at the expense of yourself, a theme that’s prominent in a lot of these signs of codependency.
8. Struggling to Identify Your Own Needs and Emotions
I often find it challenging to discern my own emotions and needs amidst the constant focus on my partner’s well-being. For example, I might feel overwhelmed or exhausted, but I struggle to pinpoint the underlying cause because I’m too preoccupied with maintaining the relationship.
The final sign of codependency links in with the previous one. Do you find that you can’t work out what emotion you’re feeling or what it is exactly you need due to the preoccupation with others and keeping the relationships alive? Someone who’s codependent may well struggle with actually identifying their own needs and working out their emotions. They become so fixated on their partner that they lose sight of themselves and lose insight into their own needs and wants. This can lead to a whole host of issues, including burnout and not looking after yourself properly.
We hope you enjoyed learning about codependency. Did you relate to any of these signs? Do you know someone you think might be codependent?
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